NOT A DAY GOES BY

When I was in college, I had a great opportunity to intern at a theatre company that really changed my life. As a casual or regular reader of my blog, it is obvious that I am a fan and advocate of the theatre for a multitude of reasons. While I always dreamt of working in the theatre, it wasn't until I began my internship at The Western Stage (TWS) in Salinas, California that I realized just how much I loved it. I worked with some of the most incredible people and I learned what it was like to be part of the process of creating live theatre and the passion, encouragement, patience and people helped lay the foundation for my professional life. I am truly indebted to every person I ever worked with at TWS because every single one of them made me feel safe and encouraged enough to ask questions, to learn, grow, appreciate, understand and love the theatre on a new level.

Today, I received some horrible news about the death of Tom Humphrey, who was the Artistic Director of TWS while I was there. While I didn't work closely or often with him, he was always an encouragement to me either by watching him work, guiding me during an acting workshop or even with just a smile as he passed by. I've always credited every person I worked with at TWS as having a tremendous amount of influence on my life and Tom certainly was one of those people. TWS changed me for the better because every experience, every challenge or frustration, every smiling face, every show became for me, a labor of love. The process of working in the theatre is in all honesty, a cherished experience that I carry with me to this day and I owe that to TWS. I saw how important every member of the company was in creating something that mattered and was enjoyed. The enjoyment of a production was measured by the energy, applause and smiling faces from patrons after every show and witnessing and being a part of that was thrilling to me. Needless to say, the people and experiences at TWS holds a very special place in my heart. Y'all at TWS did something right and I only hope to pass that spark on to my own students -- to encourage them to believe in the magic of the theatre too.

Rest in peace Tom...and thank you for being part of something that made such a significant impact on my life, I will always be forever grateful.

OTHER PEOPLE'S STORIES

As a blog writer, I have to admit this whole thing feels a little self indulgent sometimes.  I write (predominantly) about theater and am always pleasantly surprised when people actually read this thing.  I mean, most people are not racing to read my blog (no offense taken) and those that do, are in perfect company with myself and the other big theatre geeks.  There are a lot of blogs out there that touch on not-so-important points, topics, issues, etc. but like mine, a lot aren't really filled with amazing writing.  Yet, when I stumbled upon Matt Logelin's blog recently, I discovered something pretty darned amazing (his story is so heartbreaking and I couldn't begin to do it justice, so if you are so inclined, you can read about his story here first or the feature written in the Star Tribune).

From the day I first heard of Matt and his story, I was rivited.  I sat and read the entire blog from "cover to cover".  His story made me (mostly) cry but I also laughed and my heart ached for this new family.  It has become something that I check daily, curious to see how Matt & his daughter are doing.  I knew just how much it affected me when I recently saw a robot (something frequently mentioned in the blog) necklace and thought of the blog or when I was at Amoeba today and again thought of the blog.  Yes, this is weird because I don't know them, but I can't help but to find myself really rooting for them and as he writes about days that are less painful, it brings a smile to my face.  

This whole story has got me thinking again about how important a father's role is in their child's life.  I'm sure Matt couldn't possibly imagine doing anything less for his daughter than he's doing now.   And I'm sure that Matt doesn't really think of himself as a "hero" per se, but just being a good father and being the kind of father that would make his wife and daughter proud.  A good father is rare these days it seems and his blog just reminds me how great a father Matt is to his baby girl and it brings tears to my eyes.  Dads, take note and Liz...you were a very lucky lady (though I can bet that Matt and all of your friends & family thought they were the lucky ones for having known you).

Is it really bizarre for me to write all of this?  See, this is why having this blog is self-indulgent.  Anyone who reads this entry though...please do visit Matt's blog, its some of the best writing I've read in ages...and it will forever affect your heart.

THE MOVIE IN MY MIND

I’ve been debating whether to blog about this, because while autism doesn’t affect me personally, how its affected me is deeply personal. Hearing children’s stories about their struggles with autism has hit me straight in the heart. I actually started tearing up in class, feeling extremely sad at the difficulty these children go through and also overwhelmed at their successes. I’ve been keeping a personal journal of my new experiences and was so moved by what I experienced that I wanted to share a little of it…here is a short except of what I wrote tonight:

Today we had a brief introduction to autism. The statistics are frightening. There is no real cause, rhyme or reason why children are developing it, yet it is becoming more common every year. Between 1987-2002 in California alone (per the Department of Developmental Services), the number of caseloads of children with autism has grown like 634%! During the summer of 2004, the occurrence of autism was every 1:166 at a rate of 5 boys to every 1 girl. Three years later, its occurrence changed to 1:150 children develops autism or a related disorder like Asperger’s Syndrome by the age of eight (CDC, 2/8/2007). Nobody understands exactly why its growing. It could be the mercury or heavy metals in immunization shots or environmental factors including food that these children’s parents have grown up around. Nobody really knows though. What’s frightening is that it’s more common than multiple sclerosis, cystic fibrosis or childhood cancer! And the next few years, I’m sure these statistics will even be more flooring.

Seeing those faces, prisoners in their own bodies and minds, it’s a tragedy. Some have such severe autism that they can’t function. What happens to their families and how difficult must it be for everyone involved. There are people though who are “high functioning”, some of which are brilliant like Sue Rubin, the subject of the Academy Award nominated documentary called Autism is a World produced in association with CNN. Somehow, she too finds a way to make it through one day at a time. My professor is friends with her and the stories are amazing and inspiring.

Autism is a real problem. I have friends who work with children who are autistic and its by no means an easy job. Some have burned out, some even get bitten by their students and its all extremely frustrating. If you think about it though, some of these children don’t have a way to release their pent up emotions or even communicate. How then do they get it out? I just read how speech classes might help some of these children, but it doesn’t help all of them. There is no rhyme or reason why it works for some vs. others...

I am by no means an authority on any level when it comes to understanding autism. Hearing about it though, really struck a chord with me. It really puts my own life in perspective. When I see these kids, I am inspired to do more and to do good for all of them. I’m proud to go into a field that makes a difference (particularly because I worked for so long in a field that was the polar opposite of this one). Working in special ed is a selfless job, one that will be immensely difficult, I know. I’m not kidding myself, I don't have a romanticized view of what it will be like. I do know that I am appreciating this whole experience much more than I ever thought I would.

LIFE GOES ON

While writing a paper for my grad school class on mental retardation, I had to refer to a book I owned and saw something I hadn't seen for a long time:

To "Chizi" and "Mom", Make your miracles happen. ~Chris Burke

I stared quite awhile at that autograph in the autobiography Chris Burke signed for me. I'm not sure why I was so moved and inspired by just seeing it. Of course it could be because I've been knee-deep reading about mental retardation these days and watching countless episodes of Life Goes On (yes, TV is my assignment). As I thumbed through his memoirs, I was reminded yet again of how much I admired Chris Burke.

A long time ago, I had the privilege of meeting and interviewing Chris Burke for an article I wrote for a local newspaper. As a high school student, I was a staff writer for the OC Register's now defunct weekend feature called "Kid to Kid News." As a teenager looking into a career in journalism, this was right up my alley. My favorite television show during this time was Life Goes On starring Chris Burke and the incomparable Patti LuPone. Chris Burke starred as a young man living in working class Glen Brook, USA undergoing the struggles of everyday life with Down Syndrome. The show was inspiring, wholesome family entertainment (my parents even regularly watched the show too) that definitely brought newfound exposure to Downs and mental retardation.

I pitched many story ideas to the editors of "Kid to Kid News" and all had a purpose to educate. I found great motivation to write about topics that had some kind of substance and not just "fluff" pieces. My biggest aim was in educating society about those living with disabilities. Most pitches were accepted and I wrote several pieces about the misconceptions of the visually impaired. While I remain very proud of the work I did about the visually impaired, one of the most exciting articles I had an opportunity to work on was interviewing Chris Burke who played Charles "Corky" Thatcher on Life Goes On.

After receiving approval for this article from my editor, I got a phone call from the show's publicist (oh the irony, huh?) to arrange the interview on set (my first time on any set) with Chris Burke! Cut to: the drive to the Warner Bros. lot in Burbank. It was a rainy morning and the first time since I had my drivers license that I would schlepp all the way to "The Valley" (oh, the irony again...). I remember driving onto the Warner Bros. lot, meeting the publicist (I still have his business card) and walking to Chris' trailer for the interview. It was an amazing experience. He was sweet, funny, bright and upbeat. We had a lovely conversation and chatted some more with his father all the while the publicist couldn't look anymore bored and absolutely uninterested in everything being said (typical).

Before I had seen any episodes of Life Goes On, my only experience with anyone who was mentally retarded was in books, magazines and those wretched stereotypes on TV. I certainly didn't know anyone with Down Syndrome. Watching Chris' character live his normal life with some challenges taught me a lot about Downs. Though Chris is high functioning, there are many other people whose lives are far more difficult than his. Some people don't have families because they abandon or disown them, ultimately giving them up. Some people don't know what its like to have true love and support.

Walking away from the interview, I remember feeling really good about the entire experience, in particular though was Chris' attitude towards life. He called his disorder "Up Syndrome" because he was so happy and satisfied with his life. His attitude was admirable and not just because he was disabled, but because he was so determined and accomplished as a human being. I truly believe that Chris is grateful for the life he's been given. Not to say that he doesn't have his own struggles in life because we all do. Life with Downs is something that Chris has only known but its because of it and the support of his family and friends that he has become the success he is today. Sometimes life throws some curve balls at you, but its what you do with the life you're given that is the true gift.

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A FRIEND

I know I am a big blog neglecter, when I log into blogger and realize that this post (written in March!!!) was in draft mode, when really all I should have done was to proof it before hitting "publish post" and never did! Yikes!!!


"And if your heart is always breaking
Cos the world is just not fair
When you're at your worst
Your friend is the first one there
Giving you something to lean on
And that's it means to be a friend."

I went to see the premiere of JRB's new musical, "13" at the Music Center a few months ago. Other than reminiscing about my own sensitive teenage years, one of the things this show did for me was remind me how important good friends are. As I sat in the darkened theatre with my favorite theatre pal (Tianyi of course), and heard the incredible voice of the young actress sing, "What It Means to Be A Friend," all I could think about was how lucky I was to have such good ones, particularly the one sitting next to me. I also know that it wasn't just "luck" that we were randomly paired up as roommates in college.

Friends are a dime a dozen, but finding a good friend, a real friend, a true friend is much harder to do. I've seen examples of great friends and not so great friends lately. Its the great friends, the people who really care are the ones that give me a little bit of hope in humanity. Quite a statement yes, but really one that gives me hope and encouragement in my own life.

Friends are great to laugh with and scheme...talk about silly things. When it comes to life and things that really matter, a true friend will always be there. A true friend though cares about your well being and says the things nobody else can. A true friend cares about your heart and soul not just about having a good time and superficial nonesense. I love my friends dearly and feel truly blessed to have such great people in my life.

Ok, so that's where the original post ends and my P.S. follows below:

I was actually supposed to review "13" but I just couldn't bear to because it really wasn't so great and bashing my favorite modern composer is something that even I didn't have the heart to do. I was emotion-less pretty much through the entire show until "What It Means To Be A Friend" was performed. I am a pretty emotional person so it doesn't take that much to make me cry. So when I heard this song, I understood that sure, I'm not 13, but really, no matter how old we are, we obviously all need a friend.

Complete lyrics to the song by JRB (click on the link and listen to it too!):

What It Means To Be A Friend (from 13)
Music and lyrics by Jason Robert Brown
©2007 Semolina Farfalle Music Co. (ASCAP) All rights reserved.

A FRIEND’S NOT A CHEAP LITTLE PHONY CREEP
OR A JERK TRYING TO MAKE A DEAL.
A FRIEND IS A PERSON WHO, MOST OF ALL,
CARES ABOUT WHAT YOU FEEL;
AND NOTHING IS HARDER
THAN LEARNING A FRIEND ISN’T REAL.

A FRIEND SENDS NOTES BACK AND FORTH ALL DAY
AND DOESN’T CARE THAT YOU CAN’T SPELL.
A FRIEND KNOWS YOU’VE GOT A CRUSH ON YOUR TEACHER,
BUT A FRIEND WOULD NEVER TELL.
A FRIEND’S OUTSIDE WAITING
THE MINUTE YOU BOTH HEAR THE BELL…

AND IF YOUR HEART IS ALWAYS BREAKING
‘CAUSE THE WORLD IS JUST NOT FAIR,
WHEN YOU’RE AT YOUR WORST,
YOUR FRIEND’S THE FIRST ONE THERE,
GIVING YOU SOMETHING TO LEAN ON –
AND THAT’S WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A FRIEND.

A FRIEND WON’T SMOKE WHEN SHE’S IN YOUR ROOM
OR LAUGH AT THE POEMS YOU WRITE.
A FRIEND WON’T GO AND START KISSING YOUR BROTHER
THE MINUTE THAT YOU’RE OUT OF SIGHT.
A FRIEND IS THE PERSON
YOU CALL SIXTEEN TIMES EV’RY NIGHT…

AND IF YOUR HEART IS ALWAYS BREAKING,
AND YOU WANT TO RUN AND HIDE,
WHEN YOUR HOPE IS GONE,
YOUR FRIEND IS ON YOUR SIDE.
IF SOMEONE MOVES IN ‘ROUND THE CORNER
AND YOU WANT TO SHOW HIM YOU CARE,
SO YOU GIVE HIM ALL YOUR LAST MONTH OF VACATION
AND ALL OF THE TIME YOU CAN SPARE,
AND THEN, ON THE FIRST DAY OF CLASSES,
HE ACTS LIKE YOU’RE NOT EVEN THERE,
THEN HE DOESN’T KNOW…
HE DOESN’T KNOW!
HE’LL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE
A FRIEND.

FOR GOOD

FOR GOOD
~From the musical Wicked by Stephen Schwartz

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Because I knew you
I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

COULD YOU?

What (not who) do you really love? What was the last thing you did for yourself that brought you an overwhelming sense of joy? The last thing I did for myself (and sadly it was awhile ago) that filled me heart & soul was my trip to New York with Tianyi. It was a trip that was years overdue and will always be something that I will look back on fondly. It was a trip filled with shopping, eating and enjoying Broadway shows (did I mention this was also a business trip for myself? Haha, it was, but felt like more of a vacation in some ways). Of course some of why I loved the trip had to do with the city I love, the places we visited and the person I was with, but a huge part of it had to do with all of the musical theatre we indulged in.

I love music and more specifically musical theatre. This obviously is not a huge revelation to anyone who has read this blog (even once). Musical theatre is my first love and is what I’ve wanted to be involved with off and on for the last 25+ years and more seriously in the last decade. In some ways, I defined myself by my passion for this art-form and was happiest when I was in a theatre (working in it or as an audience member). Theatre has encouraged me to dream, flooded me with emotion (both good and bad) and has been what has inspired me everyday. I’ve said it before, but musical theatre is what has made me who I am today…which is why seeing Little Women: The Musical really spoke to me. The lyrics (below) described exactly the fire I had to make a difference (in theatre, maybe?). The realization of this"astonishing" feeling has to do with personal fulfillment and maybe it has nothing to do with a professional accomplishment.

There's a life that I am meant to lead,

Alive like nothing I have ever known.

I can feel it and it's far from here.

I've got to find it on my own.

Even now I feel its heat upon my skin:

A life of passion that

Pulls me from within.

A life that I am aching to begin.

There must be somewhere I can be

Astonishing..."

~ from "Little Women: The Musical"

Sometimes doing the very thing you want/need/have to do doesn’t give you all the results you want, but if you do what you know in your heart is the right thing, in the end, could it really be wrong?

PUTTING IT TOGETHER

I've really been neglecting my blog. Life obviously took precedence over my desire to post. The thing is, I've been writing my entire life...and though I was on hiatus, I've wondered if I should stop blogging, but in one way, to stop now seems silly. My desire to create stories and connect people through common experiences has been what I've loved to do since I was a little girl. Some of my earliest memories include sitting with my mom at our kitchen table (as early as 3 years old), dictating my stories -- she'd write them down and I'd later add my illustrations. Writing became such an enjoyable way to spend my time that I wrote as often as I could about anything that interested me. During summer vacations from school, I could be found sitting in my dad's home office, typing away and creating stories more often than you would find me playing with my friends. I created my own story ideas and scripts of my favorite TV shows, fictionalized my fantasy life as an adolescent, hand wrote (at 170-some odd pages) my idea of a sequel to my favorite film and hoped to educate others through my writing.

In high school, I was lucky enough to be picked as a student staff writer for the leading newspapers in the county. I had the amazing opportunity to go on-set of some of my favorite TV shows to interview the talent that I idolized. While writing about Hollywood and TV were fantastic experiences, I was also given an opportunity to write about those subjects that weren't as "exciting" but were more important because they dealt with real people and real life.

I didn't expect the articles I wrote about young people who had handicaps to be life changing, nor did I expect that it would be the most widely read articles. I did know though that someone was reading it, someone had to be. I knew that in writing those articles, I was educating whoever was reading my work and that if one person read it, that was one person more who would be made more aware. Who though was benefiting most from my desire to write? Was it my readers or was it me? Was I writing purely for selfish reasons? I'm still not entirely clear on that motive because though I was educating people, I was educating myself by the research, the interviews and conversations and in formulating what to write. The process of and then the act itself of writing about "handicapped" people was almost more an education in empathy for myself than anything else.

My point? I'm not sure I have one. Though I have been AWOL on this blog for quite sometime now, I'm thinking that I am doing the biggest disservice to myself by not writing. Writing and singing are my favorite emotional releases and when I started this post, I was all wound up about other thoughts flailing around in my head...and while they are still there, I'm far less wound up because I've been able to write. My thoughts may sound disjointed in this post, but really I do have a point...and I think I've figured it out.

As someone I admire once wrote:

"Bit by bit, putting it together.
Piece by piece, working out the vision night and day.
All it takes is time and perseverance
And a little luck along the way."

THE LAST GOODBYE

I don't know why I feel as drawn to the story of James Kim as I do. From the first time I saw the posting of the missing Kim family on CNN.com, it became a part of me. Like the thousands of other people who have been hoping and praying for a happy ending, we believed that it had to end positively. I believed because there was something in the beautiful photo of James with his daughter that radiated strength and love. I didn't know James Kim and only vaguely remembered his name from the few times I read reviews on CNET.com, but I saw in that photo and in subsequent photos of James with his family, a man was devoted to his family. After all, at the end of the day, aren't the people who you love and who love you back what really count in life?

Though the story of James Kim ended unfortunately and tragically, it was also filled with great hope. The hope that in this world deep love and devotion might truly exist. He made me believe just a little more in myself, a little more in the people around me and reminded me that doing things for the people you love -- helping them -- no matter how big or small is always the right thing to do. In his final struggle to obtain help for his family, James tirelessly forged ahead to save them. The man is a true hero and while I have never met him, James' plight to help his family opened my heart to see the love he had for his wife and two young daughters.

This story helped me believe that there is good in this world and what lengths a person will go to in the true name of love. I admire James Kim for all that he was and all that he did for his loved ones. Rest in peace, James Kim.

SOMEONE ELSE'S STORY

Its funny how I always seem to come back to the following thought: What you may think you want isn't what you really need. I've been reminded on more than one occasion (and throughout my life) of this thought. When I was a little girl, I had an idea of how my life would be at different stages and when I got to these milestone ages (12, 16, 21 etc.), my life seemed to be the polar opposite of what I thought I wanted my life to be like. What I've come to realize though is that we can never plan things out in advance and ensure that things are the way they are supposed to be, sometimes what happens just happens and that is ok too. Maybe that is the way it was supposed to be.

Lately I'm realizing that everything really does happen for a reason. Whether it be because you believe in God, fate or whatever the case, it sure seems like there is a rhyme and reason for everything even though it may not be clear from the outset. Right now, I am here at this stage in my life feeling the way I do because of my life's journey. The decisions I've made up to this point have been because I thought I was following a path towards one goal when really I was slowly veering off in the wrong direction and eventually became lost (and didn't even know it). Though I tried to chart my course with all the planning possible, things didn't necessarily turn out the way I thought they'd be due to unforeseen circumstances. We can't plan for everything (though we may think we have control over our own lives). What I've learned must happens is that we must accept that change is good, because from change we grow and when we grow we gain perspective. None of this is a groundbreaking or particularly insightful thought...it is basic and common to most, but something we must all learn to understand (and accept) at some point. I'm only glad I've discovered them now (and not must later).

PS: Wow, after reading it, I think this post sounds really preachy and self-important...maybe too much so. Oh well, it's the thought I had just sitting here trying to figure "stuff" out.

HAPPINESS

If only life were still this simple...it was nice being a kid.

"HAPPINESS"
from You're A Good Man Charlie Brown
Music & Lyrics by Clark Gesner

Happiness is finding a pencil
Pizza with sausage
Telling the time

Happiness is learning to whistle
Tying you shoe
For the very first time.

Happiness is playing the drum
In your own school band.
And happiness is walking hand in hand.

Happiness is two kinds of ice cream
Knowing a secret
Climbing a tree.

Happiness is five dif'rent crayons
Catching a firefly
Setting him free.

Happiness is being alone ev'ry now and then.
And happiness is coming home again.

Happiness is morning and evening,
Daytime and nighttime too.

For happiness is anyone and anything at all
That's loved by you.

Happiness is having a sister
Sharing a sandwich
Getting along-

Happiness is singing together when day is through.
And happiness is those who sing with you.
Happiness is morning and evening,
Daytime and nighttime, too

For happiness is anyone and anything at all
That's loved by you.

WHAT REMAINS

Typically, I don't do a whole lot of reviews of anything other than theatre, music or something that has some relation to one or the other. While I've neglected this blog lately, the other thing I've been neglected for far too long are my books. I have a stack that I have yet to read. Once upon a time, I used to read a lot -- teen serials (ie, The Baby Sitters Club, Sweet Valley High), magazines, classics, really as many books as I could manage to read at any one time. Unfortunately college changed all of that. When you major and minor in subjects where all you do is read (I would average anywhere between 2-4 a week!) it tends to burn you out. Since then, sadly I tend to average about 2 books a year (in their entirety) unless it is something outstanding.

About a month ago, I finally got around to picking up a memoir that has been on my "must read" list since it's publication, What Remains: A Memoir of Fate, Friendship and Love by Carole Radziwill. I, like many millions of people am one of those who continue to find the Kennedy family intriguing. I don't even remember when my interest began, but it was likely due to some kind of influence from my mother. I read as many books as I could about the family, watched many of the movies made about "Camelot" and found particular interest in our family trips to Boston, Cape Cod and Washington, D.C. all of which were steeped in Kennedy family history.

While I wasn't around when his father's life was cut short, I do remember where I was when I heard that John Kennedy, Jr.'s plane went down. I turned on the news for some strange reason that morning (typically not the first thing I turn to on a weekend) and sat there shocked at the news (I don't think I turned the TV off the entire day). Immediately, I remember thinking how sad it was...then wondering what it must be like for his sister, Caroline who only a few months earlier lost her mother as well.

The day that John Kennedy, Jr.'s plane went down, a chapter undoubtedly in the Kennedy legacy ended. While Americans mourned the loss of the man who will always be remembered as little boy whose saluted his slain father, Carole Radziwill lost two of her dearest friends. While reading her memoir, I wondered what that must have been like and how I couldn't possibly imagine her deep loss (particularly considering her husband, John's cousin, Anthony Radziwill was dying of cancer).

Carole Radziwill writes a honest and loving account of her five year marriage to Anthony (who had cancer the entire length of their marriage --a tumor was found on their honeymoon, five years after his testicular cancer went into remission). While caring for her husband and dealing with the emotional stress of having a sick spouse was obviously difficult and often times heartbreaking, Carole got through it particularly because of the love and support of Anthony's best friend and cousin John Kennedy, Jr. and his wife and Carole's best friend, Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy.

While many might think this memoir has the potential to capitalize on the Kennedy family and their unfortunate tragedy, Carole Radziwill does just the opposite. She brings a real face to John and Carolyn making them out to be the best friends you always wish you had. The stories weren't about becoming tight with who we've come to consider as American Royalty, but about real people who had real love and concern for each other. In describing the close bond John and Anthony had for each other, she writes: "John is Oscar to Anthony's Felix. If Anthony is the angel, the well-mannered school boy, John is the scamp...Watching them, I can see they can't stand too close to each other and can't bear to be too far apart." In reading that, it is instantly easy to understand their bond.


In a three week time span, Carole lost her best friends -- the people who helped support her during the most trying moments of Anthony's illness -- and then enduring the greatest loss of all when her husband lost his battle with cancer. Losing three loved ones in less than a month is a tragedy that nobody should ever have to endure. This isn't really a story predominantly about death but one about love -- what it means to love your friends, your family and to be in love. It is the urgency that comes from that love -- needing to provide comfort and protection to those who have become a part of your heart and soul. Though it is a terrible loss that nobody can truly understand, Carole found a way to write with great heart and truth to provide a greater understanding for us as the readers and I think in some ways for herself.

As a person who too understands the heartbreak that comes with loss, I admire the way Carole was able to find a way to live...one day at a time. Though you never get over death, you find a way to survive.

NEW YORK STATE OF MIND

Last week, I took a much needed vacation to lovely N.Y.C. with Mitch. The "Big Apple" has always been one of my favorite places to go -- originally because it is home to my passion of Broadway, but also because of the many museums, restaurants, diverse neighborhoods, shopping and the hustle and bustle of city life that is so different from living in Los Angeles. I've lived in Southern California for most of my life and have found joy and comfort in it's familiarity and the many opportunities it has offered me. Growing up, I visited other cities and states and always believed Southern California was a great place to live...until the first time I went to New York.

My first introduction to New York City was via the song N-Y-C (see full lyrics below) from the musical, Annie. I was initially intrigued by the idea of "the pulse/the beat [and]/the drive" of the city and the glamour and mystery associated with that. Living in Southern California, I never really experienced the buzz of city life -- trips to Los Angeles from sleepy Orange County never gave me a rush of excitement that I heard New York apparently had. It was a foreign idea (to me) for a city to have a pulse, beat and a drive but it wasn't until I first visited New York (at age 20) when I discovered that the city was everything I hoped it would be and more. I loved that New York had such a different and distinct personality from that of Los Angeles.

N.Y.C. is always moving and changing, tough, complex yet vulnerable, straightforward and honest. The people who are there are (for the most part) there because they want to be. "The whole world keeps coming/By bus/By train/You can't/Explain/Their yen/For/N.Y.C." After all, I believed (and to a certain degree still do) that people in the city are there for a reason with a yearning to fulfill some specific purpose. Perhaps this is my own idealized perception of the city but being in the arms of N.Y.C. feels like magic because of all that the city has to offer. As chaotic as New York can be, it is always somehow quite soothing to me. Some people leave the city to recharge, but I need to go there to get my fix and be reminded of who and what I am. The "Big Apple" isn't for everyone but I've always known what it has meant to me and I don't think I'll ever tire of it.

Check out my photos from my two recent trips:

• New York 2006
• New York 2005

* * *
N-Y-C
by Charles Strouse and Martin Charnin

NYC
What is it about you
You're big
You're loud
You're tough

NYC
I go years without you
Then I
Can't get
Enough

Enough of cab drivers answering back
In language far from pure
Enough of frankfurters answering back
Brother, you know you're in

NYC
Too busy
Too crazy
Too hot
Too cold
Too late
I'm sold
Again
On NYC

NYC
The shadows at sundown
The roofs
That scrape
The sky

NYC
The rich and the rundown
The big parade
Goes by

What other town has the Empire State
And a mayor five foot two?
No other town in
The whole forty eight
Can half compare
To you

Oh NYC
You make 'em all postcards

You crowd
You cramp
You're still
The champ
Amen For NYC

The shimmer of Times Square
The pulse
The beat
The drive! (NYC)

You might say that I'm square
But then I come alive

The city's bright
As a penny arcade
It blinks, it tilts, it rings

To think that I've lived here all of my life
And never seen these things

Oh, NYC
The whole world keeps coming
By bus
By train
You can't
Explain
Their yen
For...

NYC
Just got here this morning
Three bucks
Two bags
One me

NYC
I give you fair warning
Up there
In lights
I'll be

Go ask the Gershwins or Kaufman and Hart
The place they love the best
Though California pays big for their art
Their fan mail comes addressed to NYC

Tomorrow a penthouse
That's way up high
Tonight
The "Y"
Why not
It's NYC

NYC
You're standing room only
You crowd
You cramp
You're still
The champ
Amen For NYC!

HERE I AM

Personality tests...I seem to never tire of them for some reason. Enter: Personal DNA: "your true self revealed." I think this is somewhat indicative of my personality...parts of it I'm not so sure I agree with, but nonetheless:

Genuine Visionary

And what does it say about me? If you must truly know:

About You:
You Are a Visionary

Your imagination, self-assuredness, and knowledge of the world combine to make you a VISIONARY.

You have clear notions of how things could be, and the confidence to try to make them that way.

You enjoy having a routine, and prefer comfort and familiarity to risk and adventure.

Not needing others' approval to forge ahead, you are confident in your designs for the future.

Your imagination allows you to envision the world as a better place.

You're better at thinking of the big picture than you are with details, and you can see wonder in abstract things.

Style and appearances are important to you, and you have a good eye for beauty.

You are somewhat rigid in your beliefs, which comes from both confidence and an aversion to change.

You are good at creating works of art in forms with which you're familiar.

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.

Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If you want to be different:

Appreciate the earthly, functional elements of things.

Your clarity of vision sometimes prevents you from being open to new ideas. Try expanding your horizon of experiences, and experimenting with novel ways of doing things.

How You Relate to Others:
You Are Genuine

Your outgoing personality, your preference for order, and your cautious appreciation of others makes you GENUINE.

You aren't afraid to occasionally be the center of attention. You are comfortable and confident in social situations.

As a charismatic kind of person, you tend to be energized by other people and enjoy their company.

When other people are upset, you are able to think about the situation rationally, without getting too caught up in their feelings.

At times you find it difficult to understand where other people are coming from, and wish they could just see things the way you do.

You are a strongly principled person who believes in right and wrong. This helps you make decisions easily when it comes to moral issues – you don't have to waste time hedging on important values.

In your experience, people tend to get what they deserve. Because of this, you work hard and try to follow your principles in your day-to-day life, knowing that you will be rewarded for your efforts.

If you want to be different:

You have many friends, but you only trust a few of these people when it really counts. Opening yourself up to more of your friends will help you create more strong and meaningful relationships.

Be cautious when judging someone—try harder to understand his or her perspective—and you will become a more intuitive person.

IT SUCKS TO BE ME...

...Everyone's a little bit racist...the internet is for porn...I'm not wearing any underwear today...no, I'm not screaming out for attention (ok, maybe just a little) these are song titles from that semi-politically incorrect, somewhat honest, hilarious 2004 Tony Award-winning musical romp otherwise known as, Avenue Q.

Has musical theater reached a new low or found a new way to present itself? Puppet sex, racism, closeted gay Republicans...except for the puppet sex part, it's not so far off from the truth, is it (and if puppet sex strikes your fancy, I for one don't want to hear about it). As the tagline for the show says, "Avenue Q...Just like your life only funnier."

Though Avenue Q is amusing, there are truths in the show which not only tickles the funny bone, but makes it relatable to it's audience. Essentially, the show highlights the newest conundrum facing young-adults -- a phenomena otherwise known as the "quarter life crisis." Trying to navigate life after college is a very legit concern and an issue that more and more young people seem to be up against.

When the audience is introduced to Princeton, Avenue Q's star, we meet a bright-eyed recent college graduate who comes to New York City with big dreams and the naivete of reality. He can't pay his bills (much less find an apartment) because he can't get a job and feels like his college degree is useless. Princeton winds up on Avenue Q (the only place he can afford) where he meets fellow puppets with various backgrounds and experiences who share similar struggles in life that are universal -- finding a meaningful job, love and purpose in life.

These days, it seems like more and more young people find themselves trying to identify who they are in that stage between college-student and working adult. As young people, we spend the first 22 years of our lives going to school with a purpose to get to that next stage -- getting good grades in order to pass to that next grade level, ultimately hoping to get into a good college in hopes of a job that will pay well and bring us "personal fulfillment." It doesn't seem like too tall of an order...until you have to actually do it. After college, many grads take 1 of 2 roads (professionally): returning to their parents' home, sitting around scratching their heads wondering, "now what" while taking a hiatus from life and essentially "mooching" off their family while others get what they think is their dream job, but wind up feeling as if their life is ticking away hating where they are feeling stuck, frustrated and overwhelmed. As Princeton lamented, "but somehow I can't shake/the feeling I might make/a difference to the human race" which too demonstrates the struggle that not only his character but others have experienced in trying to make their mark in their respective lives.

Young people face huge life-changing decisions in their struggle to find a sense of self, direction in life and finding that balance between personal and professional life. Avenue Q more than demonstrates this with the various relationships struggles particularly between Princeton and the shows other characters. In particular: when Kate responds with "a note of defiance" to the end of her relationship with Princeton, she considers, "There's a fine, fine line between together and not/And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got./You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime.../There's a fine, fine line between love/And a waste of time." Life changing events can trigger people to take stock of who they are and what they really want for themselves and often times, it comes back to the need of finding some kind of purpose and personal fulfillment.

The irony in this musical, is though it's a show about growing up and finding that ever-elusive purpose in life, Avenue Q is a show where the main characters are puppets reminiscent of a time in our lives when "purpose" was a thought a million miles away and Sesame Street was king.

Though Princeton feels like he'll never find his "purpose" he bemoans life's difficulties at the conclusion of the show and is reminded that nothing is permanent: "Only for now!/For now there's life!.../For now there's love!.../For now there's work!/For now there's happiness!.../For now discomfort!.../For now there's friendship!/Only for now!.../Don't stress,/Relax,/Let life roll off your back/Except for death and paying taxes,/Everything in life is only for now!"

Words to live by, wouldn't you say?

Who knew a musical about puppets going through life's crises, living on an adult-like Sesame Street in 2006 were so knowledgeable! Avenue Q is definitely not your grandparent's musical...that's for sure!

Catch Avenue Q:
On Broadway at the Golden Theatre Tuesdays-Sundays
In Las Vegas at the Wynn Hotel through May 28

RENT

I realize I get a little sentimental and sappy when it comes to talking about Jonathan Larson, the heart and soul and composer of Rent. As I've mentioned in other posts, his work is so inspiring because in his music, I not only hear the themes of love, but I feel it -- I hear a love of the art form, a love that never was or almost is...romantic love, fraternal love etc. and that's something I've never felt or heard as an overall theme in any other composer's work. More than that though, Larson's work to me, represents what I've always wanted and seen. To him, it is a passion for the art-form, the desire to make it his own, and the drive to succeed. With previous posts, I've tried to convey what his music and work means to me, but I don't think I ever truly can.

So yesterday, when the soundtrack for Rent came out, I had to rush out and buy it. I traveled over the hill to Tower on Sunset just to get the CD on it's street date. I guess I'm a little obsessive, but as I've said before, I take my musical theatre very seriously. The marketing masterminds at Warner Music thought it would be a great idea to have limited edition cardboard sleeve covers of each of the 8 principal characters -- I picked Taye Diggs' (Benny) cover. Of course I actually thought how cool it would be to have each of them...but I digress (and no, I don't need 8 cardboard sleeves). I've seen Rent only 4 times (I can't compete with the TRUE Rent-heads) but I've listened to the music more than I care to admit. I know each note and word of the musical well enough to be obsessive (almost). I was curious to hear how this soundtrack would differ from the "OCR" (Original Cast Recording) and how would I respond to this show, with 6 of the 8 principals, nearly 10 years later.

Some might say that listening to the soundtrack now might ruin my initial response to the film...but considering how well I know the show, that couldn't happen. On my way home, I settled into my car, turned up the volume, and let the music play. Track 1 was "Seasons of Love" which in the stage version, opened Act II, so hearing this surprised (but didn't bother) me. I will spare you all the painstaking track by track comparison cos even I'M not willing to go through that much detail. I did hear a difference between the 2 versions, the main difference being the "OCR" vs. the soundtrack is the obvious rock & roll vs. Broadway sound quality. It should be noted that Chris Columbus (the film's director) is also the album's executive producer, so thankfully he was able to carry the essence and authenticity of Larson's vision from stage to film in the new recording. Rob Cavallo, the album's producer infused "a new energy and spirit into this music" with "all of the cuts on this album remining faithful to the Broadway origins" and as Chris Columbus said in the album's liner notes, this album is "richer and multi-layered."

It might seem obvious that the album is decent if it is music FROM the film, but so was the film version of The Phantom of the Opera and the composer was involved in THAT recording which was the most henious thing I think I've ever heard. Thankfully though, the music from the Rent Soundtrack is surprisngly good. It is different from the OCR, but the sound (to me) really fits the nature of what this film is all about.

The original cast members sound great, if not better than they did on the OCR...one should hope so. The newest additions to the cast, Rosario Dawson (Mimi) and Tracie Thoms (Joanne) are excellent. I had no idea that Dawson sang, but from the few times I've listened to the album so far, she seems to pull off the complex, tragic and vulnerable Mimi quite well. Vocally, her range seems to be a bit lower than that of her predecessor, Daphne Rubin Vega. Thoms voice is also rich, but higher and more sweet sounding than that of her precessor Fredi Walker. She too does a great job as Joanne, and I actually prefer her interpretation.

Overall, the Rent Soundtrack is grittier, more acoustic sounding and raw while maintaining a sense of humor and vulnerability more-so than I even imagined it could be. From the sounds of the soundtrack and what the trailer looks like, the film version could possibly surpass my love of the stage version. To admit that, is huge because everyone knows my loyalties and love, lies with the stage...always.

When it comes to musical theatre, I can be a big theatre snob, and because of that, I can be overly critical. I know though, what I do and do not like. And I like Rent in both "OCR" and soundtrack form. I am grateful and thrilled to hear the voices and interpretations of these characters being brought to the silver screen by the actors who created and nurtured these characters from the beginning under the guidance of Jonathan Larson. Knowing that the Larson family -- Julie, Nan and Al -- support the film and that Chris Columbus not only genuinely believes in maintaining the "integrity and vision" of Larson's work, but somehow shares it, is amazing and comforting because the very essence of Rent is so beautiful.

When I look at Jonathan's journal entry, I believe he succeeded in fulfilling the question of how to write for the stage tenfold. I only wish he were here to see what'd he's done for pop culture...his work has touched and changed the lives of nearly everyone who has ever been exposed to it.

As written above by Jonathan Larson: I am striving to become a writer and composer of musicals -- I am 25 and am faced with a dilemma. Although I am a sentimental romantic who loves old fashioned musicals I am a member of a very unsentimental romantic generation who basically think musicals are too corny. I feel that if I want to establish myself with "the powers that be" in the theatre, I must compose music that appeals to the older cast in the production houses and audience. But if I want to try to cultivate a new audience for musicals I must write shows with a score that MTV ears will accept. If you were me, which audience would you write for?

Also note, included on the album as a bonus track, is one of my favorite songs, Love Heals. The song has provided me with much comfort and encouragement in my darkest as well as brightest of days. Larson wrote Love Heals while working on Rent to help in the efforts of Love Heals - the Alison Gertz Foundation for AIDS education. The producers included the bonus track as a tribute to Jonathan and to help futher the cause of AIDS education.

Rent hits screens nationwide on November 23.